i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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