Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If I die, sorry about rent.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
