this beer tastes like vomit already
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
