i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
