Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just threw up on my dentist
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
