"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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