It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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