Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
