I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
