I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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