thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's rum buckets o'clock
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
