Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
