Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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