if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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