i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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