I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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