so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
