Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
