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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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