not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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