the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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