Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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