Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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