I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
