I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
