The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
porn star boner night. come get it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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