Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
