there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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