I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize