im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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