Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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