real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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