I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
