i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dear god my vagina.
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