I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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