I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
