my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
