don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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