How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
