You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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