I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize