I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
