She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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