he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Found the puke drawer
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
