Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize