The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
