You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
