At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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