Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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