Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
