Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
