i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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