when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You were trust falling into bushes
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
