just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
