i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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