I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
