you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
