Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
